God is there.

Lent...always an opportune time for the stirring of the soul, digging deeper, rooting beneath the rotten soil to find again the seeds of faith and trust that He has already planted which lie awaiting the nurturing of our desire for union with Him. Loneliness, especially, is a great tool He uses to call us closer to Him. I am still getting used to being so removed from family, close friends, familiar surroundings, language, culture, etc., and loneliness has been a frequent companion of mine. Not entirely unwelcomed, for I have learned that once the initial self-centered pangs of loneliness are pushed aside, there God is, offering the communion we crave, and that He alone can fulfill. Once we allow ourselves to release our loneliness into His hands, what freedom and deeper trust is experienced! Hoping I can relinquish enough of myself for a duration long enough to allow this precious freedom to bloom into joy and service to others more often. The beautiful flowering bulbs and branches around Trumau this spring have been a great reminder of this; He has created us with so much potential, if only we can trust ourselves to burst from the soil and tangled roots of our fear and sin, and race towards the light and grace with which He desires to flood our tiny seeds of faith and culture them into radiant blossoms.

I came across the reflection below at one very opportune moment...

"In despair, despair not. Let yourself accept everything; in reality it is only an acceptance of the finite and the futile. Make yourself block up every exit; only the exits to the finite, the paths that lead to what is really trackless, will be dammed up. Do not be frightened over the loneliness and abandonment of your interior dungeon, which seems to be so dead — like a grave. For if you stand firm, if you do not run from despair, if in despair over the idols which up to now you called God you do not despair in the true God, if you thus stand firm — this is already a wonder of grace — then you will suddenly perceive that your grave-dungeon only blocks the futile finiteness; you will become aware that your deadly void is only the breadth of God's intimacy, that the silence is filled up by a word without words, by the one who is above all name and is all in all. That silence is God's silence. It tells you that he is there.

That is the second thing you should do in your despair: notice that God is there. Know with faith that he is with you. Perceive that for a long time now he has been waiting for you in the deepest dungeon of your blocked-up heart, and that for a long time he has been quietly listening to you, even though you, after all the busy noise that we call our life, do not even let him get a word in edgewise, and his words to the man-you-were-until-now seem only deadly silence. You shall see that you by no means make a mistake if you give up your anxiety over yourself and your life, that you by no means make a mistake if you relax your hold on self, that you are by no means crushed with despair if once and for all you despair of yourself, of your wisdom and strength, and of the false image of God that is snatched away from you.

As if by a miracle, which must be renewed every day, you will perceive that you are with him. You will suddenly experience that your God-distance is in truth only the disappearance of the world before the dawning of God in your soul, and that the darkness is nothing but God's brightness, that throws no shadow, and your lack of outlets is only the immeasurability of God, to whom no road is needed, because he is already there. You shall see that you should not try to run away from your empty heart, because he is already there, and so there can be no reason for you to flee from this blessed despair into a consolation that does not exist.

If we do this, then peace comes all by itself. Peace is the most genuine activity: the silence that is filled with God's word, the trust that is no longer afraid, the sureness that no longer needs to be assured, and the strength that is powerful in weakness — it is, then, the life that rises through death. There is nothing more in us then but God; God and the almost imperceptible and yet all-filling faith that he is there, and that we are."

--Karl Rahner, The Eternal Year, trans. John Shea (Burns & Oates).

Also came across this recently on the benefit of solitude and silent moments, especially for women and mothers:

"Why do we need solitude (and silence, which often accompanies it)? We need it because solitude makes us more sensitive mothers. Removing ourselves from constant stimulation and noise actually sharpens our sensitivity. Also, solitude forces us to face ourselves. In solitude we learn to like ourselves better because we are faced with our own company. It helps us heal from old hurts so that we can be free to enjoy the present and it refreshes us in ways that the company of others can't. Finally, solitude centers us and brings about a deep peace that cannot be achieved while staying immersed in either the good noise of friends and family or the awful noise of raucous media. We must retreat into quiet aloneness so that we can learn to be the women we were meant to be."

From 'The Ten Habits of Happy Mothers' by Meg Meeker (a book I'd love to read sometime!)

Such truth there. This Lent especially has been providing me ample time for self-evaluation and reflection - the big difference in time zones prevents me from easily accessing my family or friends (which I resented for a good while at first) leaving lots of time for internal quiet. It has, and is taking some getting used to, but I have definitely noticed a good difference in "knowing" myself, my faults and weaknesses, people/situations I needed to forgive, love and pray for. Now to work on those...

Still in awe over these little miracles granted to me! What peace and joy they bring. Another joy that is being granted me is my baby sister Elizabeth, live in Vienna for at least a year, starting in 2 weeks! She will be an au pair for a Viennese family over the summer then will take classes here at ITI in the fall. Feeling so blessed and grateful to have one of my siblings in such close proximity - God is good.

"Since in seeking you, my God, I seek a happy life, let me seek you so that my soul may live, for my body draws life from my soul and m soul draws life from you. God alone satisfies."
~ St. Augustine, in his Confessions

Over the weekend...

We had a very busy and fruitful past weekend...lots of events that reminded us to be thankful for our lives and for the gifts of faith, hope, and charity.

1) Sorrowing over the loss of the those in CT, especially the little ones. Tears flowed easily on Friday. I can't imagine what the parents are going through...having those little beds empty at night, silent playrooms, little clothes and accessories unused...hard reminders, especially so near Christmas. Praying that our Blessed Mother wraps these suffering parents and families within her comforting arms and teaches them to offer their sorrow to our Lord. I have faith that these precious ones will be having a heavenly Christmas.
♥ Charlotte ♥ Daniel ♥ Olivia ♥ Josephine ♥ Ana ♥ Dylan ♥ Madeleine ♥ Catherine ♥ Chase ♥ Jesse ♥ James ♥ Grace♥ Emilie ♥ Jack ♥ Noah ♥ Caroline ♥ Jessica ♥ Avielle ♥ Benjamin ♥ Allison ♥

"May those who sow in tears reap with shouts of joy! He that goes forth weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him."  Psalm 126:5-6

2) Friday morning, I met my RCIA candidate for morning Mass, then had her over to breakfast and a chat to get to know her better. What a story she has, and a painful journey to find truth. Reminded me to give thanks for the protective environment in which I was raised and for the protection of our Lord. We could have all struggled along similar paths if it were not for His grace and mercy. Candice is truly a testimony to the greatness of God's forgiveness and the beauty of hope - she herself has forgiven much and is completely at peace.

3)

Friday evening we commenced our first 'Young Married's' group at St. Mark's. 3 other couples joined us for prayer, dinner and fruitful discussion. It was encouraging to see one couple who is coming back to the Church be so excited over the tenets of our faith and thirsting for a more fruitful life. Thankful to be able to do what little we can to help educate people's minds and change hearts.

4) Saturday morning we put up our Christmas tree, which had been patiently resting in its bucket outside since Thanksgiving. :) This is a very different style tree than we have had in past years (we are used to the big bushy shapes) but I love our little forest tree and think it is perfect for our living room.

Michael has enjoyed seeing Christmas lights while we drive about, and so I think he was fascinated to see some in his play area.

After giving the tree a few timid touches, he has been happy to leave it alone.

We did listen to a little Christmas music while decorating. I think we shall make this a tradition for the third weekend of Advent. Gaudete! 

5) On Sunday we hosted a small thank-you party for the volunteer catechists. It was nice to get to know them a little better and have a mini evaluation of how the first semester of catechesis went for everyone. It is good to hear their excitement about the curriculum and share the progress of our little students. Sounds like everyone is looking forward to a little holiday break.

6) My sister Catherine came up for a little visit Sun-Tues. Michael loves seeing his auntie and gave her lots of kisses. We had a nice time chatting and doing some Christmas shopping. Didn't get any pictures though!

7) I finally contracted a cold and have been vigilantly fighting it off with echinacea and Vit. C and feel better, but it has passed on to Michael, so I plan to keep my treatments up in the hopes of transferring them through my breast milk. Hope we are all feeling better for Christmas.

This week shall be filled with baking, wrapping, gifting, penning Christmas cards, and working on music (did I mention I joined the church choir?) Along with prayerfully waiting in joyful anticipation of His birth! 

"O Adonai, and Ruler of the house of Israel, Who didst appear unto Moses in the burning bush, and gavest him the law in Sinai, come to redeem us with an outstretched arm!"

Embracing the cross

We know that life is inundated with a variety of a million crosses to be dealt with and born.  Suffering, disappointments, hurt feelings, financial struggles, temptations of the flesh, relationship conflicts - each and every result of original sin.  It is easy to lose heart, complain, wallow in self-pity, question the number and nature of crosses which appear to be useless upsets in our lives.  Sure, we have a choice and can approach frustrations with a bitter, resentful attitude if we so choose, but who truly wants to add misery to their lives?  (Ironically, some do.)  

Doesn't the noble path call for acceptance and trust that everything works together for good in the Divine Plan?  Those who have gone before us witness that this is indeed true.  The martyrs chose the Lord over life itself.  He was their portion and their cup, and that was reward enough for them.  The saints embraced life's troubles with joyful, outstretched arms; they knew from whence strength would come and what treasure  awaited them at the completion of their good fight.  We have it much easier than most of those good people did, and still we grumble when the merest of things does not go our way.  More often than not, it is more than just a mere thing to the scope of our poor, simple intellects, and we permit our emotions to run amuck because our dreams/plans are not playing out as we desire.

Who holds all things in the palm of His hand?  Who gives motion to life itself?  Why are we so silly as to bewail life if it does not unfold as we hope - why do we stubbornly persist in attempting to orchestrate our lives to such astronomical degrees?  Suffering and troubles are thus necessary, to "gently" remind us to Whom we belong and to Whom we owe life itself.  Can we not bear our burdens in obedience out of love for Him?  I think so.  Especially when we know the cross was followed by the resurrection - pain and suffering will be followed by eternal rapture.  And, we need not be discouraged thinking that rewards will not be merited until after we are released from the physical world; He does draw near to us now, to comfort our soul, provide strength, draw us up again and again, and ever nearer to Himself.  Each time we embrace the crosses He permits us to suffer, we are all the more closely embracing Him and becoming more like Him.  What a reward in itself! <3 

How sad for those who choose the way of misery and self pity, viewing suffering as a useless waste of time and energy - if only they knew the peace that comes from taking up the cross as did He, and trusting in the Father's design.  Suffering is indeed a tremendous blessing, for without it, we would be at a loss as to how to both emulate and unite to, our beloved Lord.  We struggle as it is to follow in His footsteps in the way of virtue, as there are a myriad of temptations and distractions to either cause our failure or dilute our fervor.  So, we should rejoice when forced with suffering, for it has a simple approach - pick up the cross, carry it to completion, and lay it at His feet. 

"We are not discouraged; rather, although our outer self is wasting away, out inner self is being renewed day by day.  For this momentary light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to what is seen but to what is unseen; for what is seen is transitory, but what is unseen is eternal."  ~2 Corinthians 4:16-18 

Suffering - the way of Christ

Suffering is a favorite meditation subject of mine.  Our Lord's words bring such consolation when He assures us that the way of a Christian is a way of suffering and affliction.  Today's Gospel concerns more of an emotional/mental suffering rather then a physical suffering - "If anyone comes to me without hating his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.  Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple."  Luke 14:26, 27.  (It must be understood that love/hate were the words used to measure preference in the Aramaic language, or this would be a peculiar command indeed, since God clearly desires us to love our family and neighbors.)  We are reminded that we must not prefer anything to God and His law, even comfort and ease in our relationships with family, friends, acquaintances, etc.  It is not enough merely to ensure that we ourselves are not committing significant sins.  We must not only live according to the Commandments and Christ's teachings, encouraging those around us by word and deed, but must also be mindful not to betray our fidelity to God by condoning sinful actions by either remaining silent, or appearing to accept such behavior.  We must judge sin as sin, for by sugar-coating it, or perhaps not speaking up at all, we are doing more harm then good to those for whom we care.  This type of judgement has nothing to do with the final, ultimate judgement that God will pass on each and every soul; pointing out sin is not an attempt to step over that Divine boundary; indeed God orders us to do just that in seeking the good of the other.  Of course, this does not mean that we are to stop loving or praying for those people, on the contrary - love the sinner, hate the sin - they need all the more love and prayer.  

It is interesting to note that Christ immediately follows this revelation with the well known "whoever does not carry his own cross" statement.  He was aware that His commandments would cause division and strife in relationships, even within families, which can be especially saddening and heartbreaking.  Even so, He says we must not waver from both living and speaking truth, and must be willing to accept any hardships or suffering which results from such conflicts out of love for Him.  No matter how hard the situations that face us as Christ's disciples, we must be that much stronger in submitting to and obeying Him...the reward for our sufferings will be great indeed!  With such a love and such a Beloved who suffered the ultimate for us, how can we refuse?  "In truth, the soul perfectly enamored of Christ, its beloved, would not wish to have any other bed or state in this world than the one he had."  (Those are the words of Blessed Angela of Foligno, whose writings I would like to read more of, as she was a wife and mother.)  So those of you who are suffering from any type of circumstance or affliction, take heart and rejoice even in affliction.  He is by your side and will not forsake His faithful.

Remembering...

My body apparently still surges with emotions this time of the month...it's hard, but amazing to see how my body still remembers, even when I attempt to stay pre-occupied. Mama loves and misses you unbelievably, little one, and Daddy too.



Remembering the first and last glimpse of you...
which is forever imprinted on my mind and heart.


Laura recently told me about a friend's friend, who had a still-born birth after 9 months. I cannot imagine...it would be wonderful to see your child's face, but then have to say goodbye? My case does not touch this pain, and I am thankful. Then too, I dwell on the image of the sorrowful Mother witnessing her adult Son's death: "Come, all you who pass by the way, look and see whether there is any suffering like my suffering, which has been dealt me." (Lamentations 1:12) I have not suffered to the extent she has. She obediently accepted the Father's will for her, as must I. How sweet the resurrection must have been for her, and how good of God to give us that to anticipate. And, not everyone is fortunate to have a personal prayer warrior in heaven. :)

Heartbreak and Trust

Last Wednesday evening, November 25, 2009, our little one went to Jesus. It has been extremely hard to undergo and accept, but we embrace this sorrow with open arms as God's will and in His perfect plan for us. Occurring on the day before Thanksgiving, it was hard to thank God for this suffering, but if we are suffering here that our baby can be pain-free for eternity, we thank Him. If we are suffering now that other children may be born in health, we thank Him. We thank Him for giving us the joy of loving our baby here on earth for 6.5 weeks and for the comfort of knowing he/she is with Him. I thank Him for giving me the incredible experience of carrying a life inside me, and for the hope that I can be pregnant again.

We named our little one Francis/es Raphael - names meaning: Free, and God heals. We are so thankful for wonderful family and friends who have consoled, prayed, encouraged, and loved us during this time; we truly have much for which to be thankful - thank you all.

Francis/es Raphael, Mama and Daddy love you SO VERY much and will see you again someday.